Hi Willie. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far.

No 378 - The Goonies
Director - Richard Donner

I love 80's kids films. I also love 80's Spielberg. Both seem to be pushing the boundaries as to what they could get away with. Take the Goonies. Although it is a film about a group of kids, we begin by setting up the villains - The Fratellis (villains definitely from the Harry and Marv school of criminals). The set up involves a fake suicide (hanging... pretty dark) and a SWEAR. Very naughty. We've not even left the title credits yet... But there has been a jail break, and through a masterful sequence we get to see all of the Goonies.

So let's look at them. The two brothers have a genuinely nice family bond, and are played by young Sean Astin and young Josh Brolin. Which is pretty damned cool if you ask me (though Brolin is probably cooler than Astin). Gradually they meet up with other members of their little team - including the baffling and brilliant Data and the really annoying Chunk - even Chunk speaking is enough to piss me off. I find chunk really annoying - Iconic ironic retro cool or not.
However the team meet up and events move fairly quickly in order to get One Eyed Willie's treasure map into their hands.

And I'm sorry... One Eyed Willie? Is that really appropriate for a kid's film?

And so we move out of the Boom Docks and into a world of adventure. For whilst the Goonies may have a very noble motivation (to get the Pirate treasure, in order to be able to buy their estate and not have it knocked down and turned into a golf course by those evil rich folk) - The Boon Docks are not the nicest looking area.
Because hanging around in houses is fine and can be fun with your friends, but surely every child's dream is to find an ACTUAL functioning treasure map. That is pretty cool.

So, a bunch of children find themselves on a treasure hunt, which begins in a creepy restaurant (which I'll discuss later) and takes them down into tunnels and caves. Let us begin with what I love about these sets.

They are so so fake.

The adventures in the caves and tunnels involve children walking through obviously foam rock land fills and booby traps. It isn't real - it is hokey jokey matinee nonsense. It feels like the temples of Indiana Jones or the Pirate Worlds of Hook and Peter Pan. It is a jokey Disneyland landscape complete with ridiculously intricate Rube Goldberg machines (a theme we see throughout the film - thanks to the gadgets of Data and Willie's intricate traps) and conveniently skull shaped rock formations.
It is utterly preposterous - and yet it works for this romp adventure. You let the silliness wash over you so that even when the Goonies find the treasure (in a perfectly preserved, and still functioning pirate ship), you forget that the ship is over 300 years old and should be rotting. You just let it carry right on.

The film also continues in a wonderfully filmic way - by which I mean that there is no attempt at reality. In particular, the fact that each Goonie has their own task and skill which is necessary for the adventure.

So we have Mouth, who has the ability to read Spanish;
Chunk, who breaks things (convenient in a lot of situations);
Mikey, the leader, with his dogged optimism and perseverance;
Data, who has the gadgets;
Brandon, the muscles;
and Andy, who can play piano (which magically becomes relevant).

Together they use their skills to not only triumph against pirate terrors but also against some naughty counterfeiting criminals.
The Fratellis seem to take a lot of time and effort in trying to catch these children, when really they should be covering up their own criminal activity. They are bumbling and argumentative. They are scared of their mum... And they have a very strange brother.

Sloth - played by John Matuszak under crazy levels of make up.

Sloth is perhaps the weirdest bit of all in The Goonies. The film's official line is that Mama Fratelli dropped him as a baby, several times. Then, rather than pay for medication, he was neglected. This means that whilst he may be physically deformed and a bit mentally slow, he has also acquired superhuman strength. Of course - makes perfect sense.

His bellow of HEY YOU GUYS! brings shivers of nostalgic joy and just continues the film's silly adventure vibe.

I love The Goonies. This film will stay fun and stay exciting forever. After all, Goonies never die.

Incidentally - I couldn't spot a Spielberg cameo - anyone know of one?
Although I did notice that when the police list Chunk's prank calls - one is about a monster which multiplies when you get them wet. Which is a nice touch.

Buenos Dias. I'm guessing this isn't the future you had planned for yourself when you first clapped eyes on that money

No 228 – No Country for Old Men
Directors – Joel and Ethan Coen

I have been trying to watch this film all week. For some reason, every time I have gotten 6 minutes into the film something has occurred to scupper my plans. However, I finally got round to it.

The first thing that this makes me think of is Electra Glide in Blue. The sweeping desert vistas, the film’s palette of shades of brown, the dusty jaded police driving through the dusty desert roads.
This is a dirty and brown film.

This film follows Josh Brolin’s Llewellyn as he discovers a drug deal gone wrong and manages to prise $2,000,000 from one of the corpses. Rather than make life better for him and his wife, it opens up a whole can of worms as it introduces the chilling Anton Chigurh, played brilliantly by Javier Bardem. Anton is a bounty hunter (or a tracker, or an assassin) hired to kill whoever stole the money, and get the money back. He is armed with two of the greatest weapons ever – an air bolt (as used for killing cattle in abattoirs) and a SILENCED shotgun which makes the most wonderful phwip noise each time it is shot – and he is a determined and callous man.
In fact, as I watched Anton’s progress I was led to one logical conclusion. Consider the facts:
- Bardem’s wonderful dead eyed and emotionless performance.
- The clinical scene in which Anton fixes himself up after being shot. Performing self surgery with nary a wince of pain.
- Anton’s unstoppable march.

The man is a fucking TERMINATOR. It is the only answer. It would certainly explain why everyone is so gosh-darned scared of him.

Anton’s pursuit of Llewellyn takes up most of the film and it is a story which expands to include a lot of characters, most of whom end up either shot or with a gas powered retractable bolt shooting through their brain. We have Kelly Macdonald as Llewellyn’s wife (performing a really adorable thick accent) we also have cameos from Woody Harrelson (who will always be Woody from Cheers, regardless how many badass characters he plays) and a man who I was convinced was Rip Torn, but actually ended up being someone called Stephen Root.

However the most important character outside of the Brolin/Bardem pairing (and arguably, including them) is Sheriff Ed Tom Bell, played by Tommy Lee Jones. He is on the trail of Bardem’s killer and he is trying to find out about the drug deal. He flits in and out of the film and he is never the story’s central focus. Until the final scene.

Bardem’s remorseless killer seems to be the job which pushes him over the edge ad to retirement. So we see him, essentially bored, and at home. Life has moved on. The world has always been cruel and violent but he was younger, he had help (the dreams about his dead father show the comfort that comes from having someone up ahead, preparing safety for you).
It is his arc which is the main spine of the story.
It is Sheriff Ed Tom Bell to which the story’s title refers.

It is No Country for Old Men.