Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need? What am I supposed to do?

No 411 – Spiderman 2

Director – Sam Raimi.

Disclaimer – I wrote all my notes and then I put my notes in a bag and then my friend went home with the bag and now I don’t got my notes or nuffink.

So yeah….

There is a moment in Spiderman 2 which gets me excited. The great scientist Otto Octavious has been experimenting with something which is either a precious ore called Tritium or an ore called PreciousTritium (I just can’t tell.... every one says Precious Tritium…). The experiment has backfired. Giant robot tentaclaws have fused into his spine. Bugger.

Doctors begin to operate, trying to prise the wires from the connections they’ve made in the Scientist’s nervous system. The claws flicker to life and all hell breaks loose. It is here that one thing becomes evident. Sam Raimi should be making lighting fast, visceral horror. The claws are such a clear homage to his Evil Dead days. We have POV shots which echo the insane skateboard mounted shots of his first film, we even have a chainsaw…. and there isn’t usually much need for one of those in a operating theatre.

However, Spiderman 2 is most definitely not a dark and visceral horror. It is a solid case of ‘more of the same’ with some nice little touches. The first touch being the wonderful Alfred Molina as Doc Ock. Again, we have a victim who is being manipulated by an external force. Here it is the slightly bonkers explanation that his ‘helping hands’ have overpowered his brain and taken control of him.

Doc Ock is not insane in the same way as the Green Goblin and Molina gets some surprisingly powerful moments as he acts against a series of CGI clamps.

The rest of the film remains fairly similar.

J K Simmons is still the best thing in the franchise – even though at one point he gets mopey…. However, thankfully, it lasts less than a scene before he is yelling out ridiculous demands again.

Tobey Maguire remains quite unexciting as Parker.

MJ is possibly duller than she was – however, it seems she has stopped wearing a bra. Kirsten Dunst’s nipples are often the most prominent part of a scene.

We even have the exact same set up for the final act. Villain dangles MJ off of an object and puts some other people in peril. Spidey saves the people.

The people all have a wonderful ‘We’re on your side Spiderman’ moment that is meant to be all heart-warming. But instead just makes you feel a little bit sick.

The main thread running throughout the film is the idea of identity. This is the film in which Spidey repeatedly fails to keep his identity secret and where Parker struggles with HIS identity (is he Parker or is he Spidey)… Whilst it is fun to watch Spiderman fall off things, I’m mostly annoyed by this development as it moves Aunt May from ‘annoying boring character who is mostly in the background’ to ‘annoying boring character who is pivotal to the plot and forever giving long long boring speeches about shit….’.

We also get the first glimpse of Peter Parker’s weird little strutty dance-walk he does when he is feeling good.

Of course, it isn’t a patch on the bollocks of Spiderman 3…. But it is a taste of things to come.

You do too much - college, a job, all this time with me... You're not Superman, you know.

No 437 – Spiderman

Director – Sam Raimi

Spiderman. Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can.

Ah Spiderman – a film which manages to flirt with greatness but also have a violent sexual relationship with being really really cheesy.

The thing is that cheesy kind of suits the story of Peter Parker. He isn’t the bleak dark reality of Nolan’s batman – he lives in the same (Marvel) world as Tony Stark. Bright, brash and stupid with a wisecracking hero zipping about. From the first tinkles of Danny Elfman’s marvellous score (not his best work, but all is work can surely be classed as ‘samey but magical to listen to’) we know we’re in a cartoon world – we’re here for a laugh.

The film does help create some wonderful moments. Once Parker has been bit by the genetic super spider we open a world full of great touches. There is the simple – yet brilliant – way that Parker’s new found Spidey Senses work – showing his reactions by slowing everything down, there is the humour in Spidey’s wisecracks (here, more than either of the sequels he is the sarcastic hero from the cartoons and comics), there are the wonderful supporting roles.

Ah the supporting roles, and the cameos. Let us start with the Spidey stalwart… Mr Bruce Campbell. His cameos stay funny throughout the trilogy, but I think he seems most at ease. Cocky, garish and decked in Gold, he swaggers and plays the crowd like a poor man’s Elvis. And Campbell plays Elvis exceedingly well.

Then we have Willem Dafoe as Norman Osmond aka The Green Goblin. I love how Raimi’s villains have to struggle with duality. They aren’t evil; they’re always overcome by some for of destructive influence. Here it is the super soldier serum which unleashes one of the greatest ‘crazy faces’ I have ever seen.

Dafoe plays the Green Goblin with an obvious relish. He is a cackling OTT panto villain. He isn’t grounded in reality, he’s not anywhere near it. But, for that very reason, he is an absolute delight to watch. The second best thing in the film.

As the Spiderman trilogy is made roughly 62% more enjoyable by three massive Js. Written in letters which tower over New York. J JONAH JAMESON.

Hell yes.

J K Simmons’ portrayal of the Daily Bugle’s editor in chief is one of the most perfect things ever put to celluloid. He is brash, he is angry, he is absolutely ridiculous. There are times when he makes Dafoe look restrained. He is exhaustingly good fun.

But this is important. We need an exciting villain and a bonkers minor character. We need them to keep the energy up. Because, alas, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst don’t play Peter Parker or MJ as the most exciting people in the world. They’re a bit mopey. A bit quiet. A bit insecure. A lot dull.

I spent my time waiting for Parker to don the mask and become a crap CGI Spiderman swinging through the city…. As at least that is something to watch.

Meanwhile, Mary Jane’s big contribution to the film (besides that award winning kiss) is to dangle off of a bridge as the Green Goblin gives his ultimatum – Save the girl or Save the carriage of children.

Ah, Spidey’s choice.

Of course Meryl Streep never had web slinging powers or it could have all turned out differently.

Spidey saves them both, and the film’s cutest most cringiest moment happens.

Spiderman was released shortly after 9/11 – which meant this original teaser trailer was scrapped pretty promptl

Shame, as it’s cool.

But it does mean that the film lapses into cringe-worthy patriotism as the citizens throw litter at the Green Goblin in a “You mess with Spiderman, you mess with New York” moment.

This theme echoes throughout the film until the final shot where Spidey leaps triumphantly in front of a slowly billowing American flag.

Spiderman – FUCK YEAH!