We are dressed in our best and are prepared to go down as gentlemen. But, we would like a brandy.

No 336 - Titanic

Director - James Cameron

This is the only time I ever went to the cinema, where the film had an interval... I hadn't seen it since I saw it at the cinema, and much to my surprise, it was far better than I had ever given it credit for. I think the problem was the HYPE around the film.... and the general girlyness. To an 11 or 12 year old boy, it didn't hold much appeal. But....second time round, it deserves a bit more praise.

However.....

When I talk about James Cameron, I feel like in recent years (or, his last 2 motion pictures, over a decade apart) he has become more about scale and spectacle than the actual story.

I mean, Avatar really doesn't deserve the heaps of praise which has been piled onto it. Yes, it is beautiful.... yes, the CGI is incredible and yes Pandora is a brilliantly well designed world which felt real, living and breathing and marvellous.... but the story is basically just Ferngully. Cameron's interests (and indeed his triumph) was in designing a living breathing ecosystem. A planet, which despite the utter ludicrous nature of it... felt real. It it the Art of Avatar which is the real triumph.

And so it is the same with Titanic. Lets be honest... the story is tosh and the acting is largely rubbish. But the SPECTACLE is epic. Mainly down to the fact that Cameron spent about 12 bazillion pounds making a replica Titanic just for his own chuckles.

The film is really split into two parts (well 3 if we include the bookends with the spritliest 100 year old in the world - Gloria Stuart actually managed to live to 100 too RIP) - A lurve story for the ladies and a disaster film for the chaps (that, at least, is how I imagine it was marketed). The love story is there to build the relationships but it just shows how poor the acting is, with maybe the exception of a fiendishly young looking DiCaprio who shows he can act really. It does have an IMDB-checking bonanza of recognisable faces though.

Also can we point out Ioan Gruffud - who shows himself as a TRUE HERO in this film, despite him having very little to do for most of it.

And of course Billy Zane being an utter evil git. Hoorah.

So we can watch lots of people walk about in the stifled restrictions of class.... There is some rumpy pumpy and there is some nudity (quite controversial in a 12 I'd imagine, but maybe not - I do think Winslett is a bit of a naughty anyway...). However during this, Bernard Hill (playing Captain Birdseye - the face of this blog) walks around looking stern and for the next 2 hours or so we watch the ship very slowly sink.

Generally, this film is:

• too long
• unexcitingly plotted
• badly acted
• badly scripted
• has the most annoyingly saccharine 'dying' coda in a film ever

and yet, it is almost all forgiven for the sheer scale of his creation. Whether we're travelling through the fully functioning Titanic going from 1st class to boiler room, or whether we're watching his creation sink and crumble, it is an impressive feat. It allows Cameron to make some truly remarkable imagery and it allows him to show the full impact of what is a terrible tragic disaster.

But.... the film isn't really that good. And I was mainly excited about watching this awesome Leo Mash Up again.... any excuse to promote it.

I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do.

No 35 - Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Director - James Cameron

Who can remember August 28th 1997? I certainly do. I had recently returned from a holiday in Spain and had turned 13. Then nuclear bombs fell, we all caught on fire, crumpled and burnt and got blown away as dust in the wind.

Of course we didn't really!!! But that is what we are warned by Terminator 2 (or T2 as the cool kids call it). This time it is more about the approach to Judgement Day and builds on the relentless killer of the 1st film.
For reasons that I don't understand, the baddy robots send a second terminator to eliminate John Connor aged 13. If I was in charge of the time travelling part of the Cyberdine plan - I would have sent the second terminator to attack just after Sarah Connor had crushed the first. Kyle would be dead, she would be exhausted and broken. There wouldn't be a fight.

Clearly I am far more of an evil genius than any of the robots, either that or there is some other weird rule I don't understand about time travel because for some reason the second Terminator is sent 14 years later to kill young John Connor. The humans cotton on to this and manage to send a reprogrammed model 101. The Arnie model.
Ladies and Gentlemen he is back, but this time he is a goody. Also... in his first scene with young John Connor (the ever-excellent Edward Furlong. Star of my youthful guilty pleasure, Detroit Rock City) he says more than he said in the entire first film. This is a massive weakness for the character, who is far better as a silent but deadly Juggernaut, but is a huge boon for Arnie, who is actually very funny, or at least seems to be in this film. Even if he has only shown this in ridiculous one liners or really shit comedies.

Much like the first, the real stars of this movie are the titular Terminators. Therefore I will talk about everything first and then concentrate on them.
Firstly Sarah Connor. Kyle says that Sarah would train John Connor up to be a great leader. However, you look at her in the first film and you can't see it. Terminator 2 brings a completely different character. She has had years of back story between the two films. Years which are only vaguely touched upon during the story. Those years are spent turning her into a fighter and turning her son into a fighter.
The Sarah Connor of Terminator 2 is no longer a scared and confused passenger. She is a warrior. As relentless and determined as the Terminators themselves. She also has (fairly understandable) issues with being on the same team as the Model 101, considering their shared past.

Sarah discovers that by crushing the original Terminator, she left the CPU and an arm in tact. These are discovered by a Dr Miles Dyson who uses them to aid his research in AI (a logical step from those freaky airblade hand dryers). Ironically, by defeating the Terminator, Sarah Connor has become the catalyst for their creation.
Therefore, Sarah goes off to destroy the early Cyberdine laboratories. She is joined by her son - Edward Furlong is brilliant in this role - and with a 'tame' Model 101 who is learning to be more human.

However the robots have sent an upgrade to defeat this team. To stop them from destroying Cyberdine and subsequently ruining the robot uprising. The T1000.
The T1000 looks awesome and is a formidable foe. Mainly because, he is everything Arnie's Model 101 isn't.
Robert Patrick is quite buff, but he is slim and wiry compared to the force of nature that is Arnie. Instead, his villain is agile, persistent, nimble and quick. He is as deadly and ruthless as the original killer but he is a lot more chatty. This gives him a big advantage, he is oh so charismatic. He is also a truly amazing use of CGI. Even in modern times it is difficult to make a liquid silver person look realistic. But to think this was one of the first CGI jobs done in films, the effects are remarkable. a lot of it would hold court on TV nowadays. Easily. They must have spent a shit load on him.
He is a remarkable baddy. He is however RIDDLED with flaws.

The T1000 is made of liquid metal which can shape shift into nearly anything (including colours and patterns - but I'm willing to overlook that).
HOWEVER - In order to go through the time travel machine you have to be made of organic matter. That is one of the main reasons the original Terminator is covered in flesh. It is an important plot point of the 1st film, it isn't something you can easily gloss over in part 2. But gloss over they do. For the T1000 is ENTIRELY liquid metal, he can change shape and form including the look of his skin. He isn't flesh with a molten core. He is a shape shifting fully metallic figure.
Not only does that make it very difficult to put a power supply and processor chips (both things we know the Terminator has... hell, the model 101 has 2 power supplies) but it also means that he shouldn't have been able to get here.

Also, how hot must he get if he is supposed to be made of LIQUID METAL? Or, inversely, how cold must he get if he is made of mercury or something.

Despite his flaws, the flowing agile nature of the T1000 makes him the perfect combatant. He is really very cool. He is also a very easy effective fancy dress outfit. Just wear blue and cover yourself in those foil pie dishes, like my friend Chris.

Whilst this film may have a few flaws (I have one more huge one to discuss) it is structurally very similar to the first. Sarah Connor is being chased by a relentless killer. She is joined by another figure from the future who has trouble with his emotions. Whereas in the first film it is resolved through sex, here it is resolved through a bit of central reprogramming and learning how to be hip and cool like an early 90's kid. The future companion even says "Come with me if you want to live"! (I like to think that this is deliberate. A code word used by John Connor to trigger memories of Kyle and memories of safety. Unlike T3, I don't think the films had started taking the piss out of themselves just yet).
There are a number of shoot outs. It results in a tanker destroying and ALMOST killing the Terminator, only for the figure to rise again as a glitching mechanical abomination. It then has to be destroyed again.

With the T1000 destroyed, the nice 101 has to kill himself too. Here is one of the few cinematic scenes which made Elliot Biddle cry (that and the death of Optimus Prime in the Transformers cartoon). The Terminator is more rounded. Less of a one dimensional force of evil. He is now a person.

So the T1000 is destroyed right. The evidence of the robots are destroyed. Cyberdine is destroyed. Surely there is only one logical ending to this film.
John Connor.
John Connor is born from the sexytimes of Sarah Connor and Kyle Reece.
Kyle is brought back from the future to defend Sarah.
This is because there is a war on.
By destroying Cyberdine there is no Skynet and thusly no war.
If there is no war, there is no need for Kyle Reece to go back

ERGO! T2 should have ended with John Connor fading away like in Back to the Future.

Fuck you, asshole

No 308 - The Terminator
Director - James Cameron

What I love about this film is that it is so simple. Couple are on the run from an unstoppable killing machine. They can run and they can hide, but eventually it will catch up with them. If we dismiss the wibbly wobbly time travel stuff and temperarily ignore the future war element, what we have is a good old game of cat and mouse. But what a cat, what a freaking awesome cat.

The Cyberdine Model 101 Terminator is, in my opinion, Arnie's greatest role. It plays to his strengths in that really he doesn't have to do much except stomp around, kill people and be intimidating. Arnie can do all of these things with ease and his character is terrifying for it. Whilst it might not make a lot of sense for a robot to speak with an Austrian accent, Arnie's stilted delivery and awkward movements are perfect for the jerky artificial robot he portrays and he looks fake. He just doesn't look real. It took me ages (surprisingly ages) to figure out why... The eyebrows, he aint got none. He is just perfect otherworldly freaky deaky casting. The accent isn't even that much of a problem as I reckon The Terminator probably says about 17 lines throughout the film.
Model 101 is not a very chatty beast. He prepares to silently shoot and smash stuff until the job is done. Though, saying that his occasional lines are totally iconic. None more than "I'll be back". According to Mr Doc, this line is actually fluffed and that the script initially said "I'll come back." It just goes to show how easy it is to create accidental moments of great genius.

Really, the human characters don't have much of a chance against the Robot enemy. Both in terms of their actual struggle for survival, but also in their struggle for being interesting. Sarah Connor is not the hardened fighter of T2. She is a confused young woman, scared and thrown utterly out of her comfort zone. She doesn't have much of interest going for her, not even the 80's kitch rubbishness of her housemate Nancy who just spends the film dressed in the most 80's clothes imaginable and dancing to the most 80s electro imaginable. Good old The 80s.
Kyle, meanwhile has an interesting story. The twisty turny way that time travel works means that at least his story is interesting. It is just that he... isn't....
Even in the flashbacks (flashforwards...) showing the war against the machines, Kyle comes off as a pretty bland character. Just a pretty bland character firing lasers at giant robots (which always makes people look cooler than they are).

What is impressive though is how long they manage to stave off the Terminator. Despite being up against an unstoppable beast and despite having to face death destruction, insanity (Earl Boen's Dr Silberman is the only human character to appear in all three Terminator films (viewing Salvation as a different franchise)) and the entire ruddy police force.
They escape the Terminator and even seem to kill him by exploding a tanker. ONLY THEY DON'T as the metal endo skeletons emerges from the flames.

If you thought Arnie was awesome in this film (and I do) then he has nothing on the stop motion skeleton. Firstly the robot looks really freaky, but mostly The Terminator is scary because of his dogged persistance.
This is the same when he is a Schwarzeneggar or a stop motion animation, it is just that as an endo skeleton, that perserverence is more visible. Where Arnie might be able to scalpel out his eyes or cut into his arm in order to keep going (the 80's prosthetics are a bit naff), here we have the robot torso dragging itself along the floor by its one functioning arm.

You can blow that robot up to absolute shit and it will still come and get you.

That is the most worrying part of the film.